For a long time I carried my father’s grief of not having a son. I grew up feeling unwanted, worked hard to justify my presence but it was never enough. It was like my hands were always wrapped around an invisible suitcase, heavy one and if I disappoint I will be abandoned.
I believed hustle was survival. Wake up early, work late, stay ahead, make family proud- maybe then someday they will love and accept me. Don’t think much , don’t ask questions – just Perform be perfect and prove yourself was my goal. I genuinely thought that someday someone might love me if I become successful enough. My value is measured in outcomes.
I had stopped believing in God as a kid when my parents said “Good girls don’t roam in streets” when I wanted to ride a bicycle, upon asking who made this rule they casually said God. So, my 10 year old mind concluded that God is partial towards females hence I should stop bowing down infant of him. Clearly he is male and designing the rules for the benefit of males. I never even went to temples after that particular incident.
After years I didn’t realize when I shifted from being an atheist to being an agnostic. But I avoided thinking about religion.
2023 was a life changing year for me. After completing my notice period circumstances forced me to move to Uttarakhand for almost month. My plan was buying a bike and do a road trip in Leh-Ladakh. But God wanted something different this time. I reached Rishikesh thinking that ok , let me click some pictures for my instagram , there is noting here except for yoga people anyways. But I reached there, rented a bike and somehow the noise in my brain was quietened . I didn’t even know it was an option. I always assumed it’s normal to have multiple tabs open in their brain with some of them blasting music.
But here something strange happened. Instead of checking of the list of where to take pictures in famous landmarks I slowed down. I felt I don’t need to rush or pretend. I took a nap in the afternoon and sat for hours near Ganga. Focused on my breathing, danced my hearts out with strangers. The mountains hardness softens all deadlines. Time is stretched here when I am with Mother Ganga. I was no longer worried about how people see me. For the first time I was thinking about who am I -when I am not busy proving others my worth ? The mountains don’t care about my bank balance. But whether I am happy and well rested. I felt loved and cared for the first time , in the lap of nature. The trees, waterfalls, sunrise and slow mornings shifted something in me.
Then with my fair skepticism I went to take a dip in Maa Ganga, the water was ice cold but it felt like the warmest hug ever. She healed parts of me that I didn’t realize were broken. I finally surrendered the weight of my parents grief to her, its not my burden to carry. I was there for approximately 45 days and most of the days I used to just sit next to Maa Ganga throughout the day sometimes until late evenings also. I didn’t even know this side of me existed. Something has changed, something is different.
Now when I think about it I can’t believe I didn’t even think about going surfing or bungee jumping. Maybe this time I will do it. I remember being surprised when elders used to say , you can never plan a trip to religious places. It’s “bulawa”. I thought how this looks like but now I am waiting for my bulawa. I know that in this entire world there exists a place where I am loved. Shiv ji Parvati ji and Ganga ji love me.
