It was a rainy day of 2010 July, when the earth looked extra colorful and green due to the rains, and the air smelled like petrichor, I met a sweet girl who asked me to join them in handball practice. That was my first week in boarding school and I was still figuring out all the rules and discipline stuff. I didn’t realise due to her friendly demeanor that she was a senior- Soumya and she never let it come between us and became the elder sister I never had.
I was a difficult child according to society (girl denying all rituals which felt unequal for my gender, asking questions…and probably undiagnosed neurodivergence).
People in my family have told me that they wished I was never born, I wasn’t worth the trouble. But I know I am worth the trouble because Soumya said so.
She was the first person to call me a Junior scientist in 2011, used to get me science fiction books. In class 11th , I didn’t get inspire fellowship because of low marks in boards-87%, they only take 95% as young scientists program. Soumya listened to my project which I never even got a chance to submit and gave me real valuable feedback. In IRIS national fair also I never got a fair chance. It was a big deal for me back then. I cried nights for not getting to participate.
Soumya , Bandita, Trimagni were the first ones who said-someday you will have your own lab and work on these and even better projects, just keep writing all your ideas so you don’t forget them by the time you grow up. It was important that time because I was heartbroken, students who don’t even want it were made to participate only because they had scored 90+. My teachers wanted me to give them my project so that the school gets an even chance at winning. That time, Soumya got me a mango ice cream in sector 10 area, we talked — that these things don’t matter , someday you will work on everything you want. You don’t need the title young scientist, you are a scientist. We all know it. In that moment, it was enough for me to get back to studying. When I join ICMR someday, I will eat mango ice cream again. It has been ages.
She used to bring me books from library in her card(as mine used to be always full) and even gifted me an encyclopedia once. I can say that she was the biggest enabler of the Voracious reader in me. She introduced me to the world of RL Stine, Agatha Christie, Sydney Sheldon.
There was a point in 11,12th when teachers used to tell me that you are a slow learner, just quit science because you are wasting a students seat. And back then I still had Soumya who was my biggest cheerleader. Shoutout to Abhilipsa, Arpita, Adyashree, Bandita, Ekaparna, Roma, Trimagni who never forgot to tell me that I am born for science.
I am a bit slow- little less than average or maybe average student at best. I don’t deny it, but my humans made me realize that my ability to work hard consistently will beat generational talent anyday. Definitely better than my teachers who just suggested I give up as well. I had decided in 12th class to continue Arts grad because of self doubt, even after clearing jee mains. And it was due to the courage I found from them I decided to take a shot at engineering. My resilience and consistency paid off. I got Monalisa mam and Chinmayee mam in college who saw me beyond my weird communication skills and backlogs.
I am a socially awkward person who have always tried to fit in.
She was the first person of my life who understood me in the true sense of the word, encouraged me to not change myself to fit in social standards, that I don’t need it .
Its due to her I am still trying — to not lose myself in this process. You know when Some people just allow yourself to live the parts of your own self which you miss about yourself.
She was there for my bad days, she just had one look at my face and knew whether its a cold drink with a walk after dinner emergency or dahibara & discussion emergency.
But I wasn’t there for her as much she was. She never expected from me also, she was a giver. I wasn’t mature enough to understand that givers need someone too.
She was always super positive. She fought cancer for years- multiple surgeries and rounds of chemo and eventually succumbed to Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. She gave me a book — “When breath becomes Air” and I haven’t found the courage to complete reading it. She said you are our scientist, I know someday you will do something for this. Don’t run from who you are. I never understood why she said it, because during btech I was focused on getting a decent package and eventually switching to govt job. But she saw in me what I didn’t see in myself, I still have a lot of doubts about my future but I know I will run on the good ways, walk on the mid days and crawl ahead on the days everything looks gloom. But I won’t stop.
During my btech , I used to discuss with her about how I want to go to ISRO, and we used to plan Bangalore street food trips, bike rides through the state and more once we reach there. Few years ago One fine Tuesday, I talked to her, but in the mid of endless plans about future and slogging off 14 hours juggling between college , preparation for entrance and part time job I didn’t talk to her properly, said I will call you on Sunday. And let’s plan a meet soon after. She had a surgery on Saturday, and Sunday I got a call from one of my common friends that she didn’t survive.
I didn’t cry, because I didn’t feel anything- it was just a blank space. It is still blank.
The Regret of not being in touch with her regularly, the mistake which Yudhistir said we all humans make- “Think that we have time, we are immortals and even after seeing horrible things around us , we live in denial that these tragedies can never happen to us. “
I never even appeared the interview of my supposedly Dream Job, my priorities changed with time. But the regret stayed, I should have talked a few more minutes, hugged her…this list is endless and will forever be incomplete.
I still haven’t even found the courage to open her last email.
That one last hug , which I try to remember. The regret of not spending enough time with her, not having enough memories to cherish still weighs on me.
And now I don’t take things for granted, I try not to hide behind my work, deadlines, exams or any other mundane excuses. Last year in central India I was hurt again, as sometimes people take advantage of this fact.
Strong opinions, loosely held and expressing love is seen as naive, cringe and gullible. Still Learning how to balance it but I kind of want to live my life this way — having strong opinions about celebrating people who make our lives meaningful by just being a part of it. Loosely holding the mistakes and the hurt but with a boundary which protects me. Because no matter the hurt, I would give anything in this world to meet her again, talk to her, give her a tight hug and let her know how much she means to me.
If you have read till this, drop a text or call or plan an ice cream party and movie night who you have been planning to visit. Don’t wait. Life is fragile. And unlike video games we don’t get unlimited chances in real life. Once it’s game over , it’s over.
Hold on to your music against Vecna …… Cherish them . We never know what type of gates life will open.
